If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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