I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
