my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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