I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
