Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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