I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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