Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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