capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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