last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
