I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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