why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
