just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
