shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
