Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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