I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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