I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
