as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
