just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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