If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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