Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
