i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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