The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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