I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
