I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
