I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my shit smells like andre
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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