He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
