i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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