TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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