so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
