His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
