I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
