My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
