I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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