At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
