He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
