Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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