Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
