We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
