Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
you made out with another girl for some wings
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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