ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
