White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
