That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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