I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
