If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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