took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
