Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
