My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
