end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
