I need help removing her.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
