are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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