totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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