in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
